I'm no domestic goddess!

Okay, I think I should give up the "Domestic Goddess" title. I'm certainly no goddess when it comes to house work. A domestic goddess would have a sparkling clean home, and know all the tricks of the trade for getting out difficult stains, making the home smell nice and having the softest bath towels and the most clean crisp sheets. Not me, I'm a stay at home Mum (not stay at home maid) who figures since I'm home most often I'll pick up most of the house hold chores, it seems only fair since I'm here anyway, and hubby goes off to work hard for a living. 

Anyway, one of my responsibilities is to do the laundry, this includes sorting, washing, hanging, ironing and sewing on buttons etc. My only request is that the clothes be placed in the laundry basket, not left on the floor for me to collect, and I like all pockets emptied before hand. Now a domestic goddess would probably check the pockets herself, not me, I loath it. Ew! I hate the thought of putting my hand into a pocket not knowing what I'll find in there. There is nothing worse when a family member has had a cold and you pull from the pocket a bunch of scrunched up snotty tissues! Besides have you noticed how many pockets are on a pair of pants these days, there's front pockets, back pockets, coin pockets, half-way-down-to-your-knees pockets. It would take me all day to do a load of jeans and trousers! So everyone is told to check their pockets or else I claim all valuable items including toys and cash.

I always know when someone has left something in their pockets, the ting, ting, ting sound coming from the washing machine is a dead give away, my ears have become finely tuned and I can tell the difference between coins, toys, and work site scrap like screws and nails. The worst thing though is a quiet machine, just when you think everything is okay, you find your clothes covered in tiny bits of tissue, or paper receipts.  

The other day I discovered something new. The washing machine stopped, I opened up the lid and a lovely aroma floated out, there's nothing like the smell of fresh clean laundry. But my senses told me that something wasn't quite right. The laundry smelt fresh, a little too fresh, instead of the usual floral scent, it smelt more like mint, yes, minty fresh. I had used a new fabric softener that day so I checked the label 'Jasmine Fresh', hmm, nope this didn't smell like jasmine. I proceeded to take the laundry from the machine. "What's that blue stuff"? I saw little bits of blue through out the washing, I sniffed it, minty, I touched it, sticky! CHEWING GUM!!! ARGH!!!

I had bright blue chewing gum all over the jeans. I didn't have to search for the culprit, since I rarely have chewing gum and the kids are too young, there was only one other person who could take the blame. I decided there was no point in ranting and raving. I guess I learnt my lesson and from now on I'm checking the pockets, I wont stick my hand in there but I'll give them a squeeze from the outside. But don't worry, the offender will also learn a lesson, I might also put my sewing skills to use......and sew those dam pockets closed! ;-)

Big knickers!

Recently, when I received a wedding invitation in the mail I got pretty excited. I skimmed over all the usual details, date, time, venue, but my eyes stopped when I came to the dress code. 'Glamorous'. Hmm, I was puzzled. Is this something new? I'm used to dress codes such as 'formal', 'semi formal', 'informal', 'smart casual', etc. I've never come across 'glamorous' before. Gee, am I that out of touch? Whatever, I'll figure it out, the confusion disappears and excitement takes over as I realise that I have the chance to get all dressed up, or as in this case I get to get all glamed up.... Little did I realise that this would prove to be a bit of a challenge!

Being a mum of two, I cannot just take off on a whim and hit every dress store within a 50km radius. A shopping trip takes much organisation. Firstly I decide I will shop when the 3 year old son is at pre-school, then I am only left with one child. But, I cannot shop without the help of another adult because what will I do with the baby while I try on clothes, the pram wont fit in the change room cubicle. So who better than to rely on other than my own mum. Besides being great help, my mum is brutally honest, which is fully appreciated. Okay, all organised, in the week leading up to the wedding we hit the local plaza. (Yes, we left it to the last minute, to take full advantage of all weight loss).

We hit the stores first thing in the morning. Like most girls in this situation, I had some preferences in regards to colour, style and length, most importantly I had to be able to breast feed in the frock. We went from store to store trying on everything that fitted into my ideals. Nothing seemed quite right, so I dropped some of the less important preferences such as colour and tried on more items even though they weren't my favourite colour. A few hours later I still hadn't come close to finding anything that I really liked. Nothing was in my favour, anything I really liked didn't have my size left, and I was struggling to figure out which size I was because size 12 fit well but didn't contain my bust (breastfeeding!) but when I tried the next size up it would look saggy in places. I tried to keep a cheery disposition as one by one all my preferences disappeared. It even got to the point where I didn't care if I couldn't breastfeed in the dress, I'd find a private spot where I could strip off down to the waist, and bare my breast with confidence to feed my little infant. So, with no choice in the matter, I tried on everything. Ew, god it was scarey. All the satin frocks showed every lump and bump, I'd lost some weight but clearly not enough! I went home that day, exhausted, fat and empty handed!

The next day we hit the shops again, this time with the three year old in tow and not so much excitement as the day before.....but it didn't matter because I had a plan!

Control - top - panties!

Yes, thats right, these panties were going to save the day. My first mission for the day was to buy a pair.

I had a look in the underwear department and found something that seemed to be promising, better than 'control-top-panties', these were called 'shapewear'. Shape wear comes in a range of designs (see them here), and they all promise to "instantly reduce your dress size". I decieded to try the full body suit, which looked like a one-piece cossie, and the 'high waist bottom shape brief'. I tried the cossie type on first, it was firm, fit just like a swimsuit would, didn't really do much for me though. So I went to try on the brief, the material was much thicker, tighter, I wondered if I could get it on.

I slipped one leg in, then the other and proceeded to pull them up. When the waist band was just above my knee things started to get tricky. I tried to tug the pants up by pulling up on the left side then the right, then the left again. I was struggling to get a good grip, my knees where pinned together, the elastic was so damed tight, I pulled and pulled and managed to get the waist band to my hips. I let go of the waist band to gain composure (and wipe the sweat off my brow). Ow ow ouch! The bloody thing was cutting off all blood circulation to my legs, it was going to bruise! I grabbed on to both side of the panties and tried to shake myself into them, "urgh" I grunted aloud! I felt like a human pillow, shaking myself into the pillow case! My three year old son pokes his head under the cubicle door, "What you doing mum?" The pants had made it to my waist line, but they needed to get up high, right under my breasts. I had folds of flesh hanging over them, I proceeded to "tuck" myself into these darn pants. My sons head retracted "My mum has a fat tummy" he announces to my mum, clearly loud enough for the rest of the change room patrons to hear, as well as anyone who may be walking by outside! Finally the panties are on. Oooh, I like these. I really do look slimmer, smoother, and flatter! They are comfy, I move around, dance a little, sit and stand again, the panties don't budge. Surprisingly once they are in the right spot they are very comfy, not tight at all. I was definitely a size smaller (if it wasn't the panties than it was from all the sweating I just did trying to get the things on!). These were a must have. I took the panties off, much easier then getting them on, I simply popped out like a muffin from a silicon tray. All I can say is thank god for the button up crutch, because there is no way you could get these on and off more than once in a day! After this purchase everything fell into place, I found a nice dress, bought myself some modern jewellery, and dug out a pair of sexy black heels that I wore once before to my graduation. I scrubbed up okay, pretty glam actually, all thanks to my 'shapewear', see, I bet you thought big knickers were just for grannies, uh uh, this mummy wears them with pride! ; )